What I Really Mean When I Say, “I Have No Friends.”

I have no friends.

Not in a way that I dislike others. Quite the opposite, actually. Perhaps others dislike me, and maybe that is something I should concern myself with more.

Maybe friends are a distraction from self-realization. Maybe they are the guides and mentors that lead to self-realization. It might be that community is more about the whole than the individuals that make up the whole.

These are just words and they sound messed up as I type them, but I cannot delete them.

What do I mean by friend? Maybe I should start there.

Merriam-Webster defines ‘friend’ in different ways:

1. One attached to another by affection or esteem. “Childhood friends.”
2. An acquaintance. “Made casual friends with a few coworkers.”
3. One that is not hostile or is of the same nation, party, or group. “Friend or foe?” / “Showbiz friends.”
4. One that favors or promotes something. “The friends of the library will host a fundraiser.”
5. A favored romantic companion. “A lady or gentleman friend.”
6. A member of the Christian sect known as the Quakers.
7. A designated connection on a social media service.
8. Something beneficial or advantageous. “When it comes to investing, time is your friend.”

Looking at my opening line again, is it true that I have no friends? Certainly not. The problem is that none of those definitions fully capture what I meant when I wrote that opening sentence. All of the definitions, in my view, fall into two categories, a member of a group (work, party, charity, social media) or attached by affection/esteem (romantic or not, with mutual experiences).

There are those acquaintances I talk to from time to time, such as coworkers and those I discuss current events with every so often within the communities I have joined. I married my best friend. I have people in my life whom I try to reach out to, help where I am able, and check in on year after year despite living states away.

One definition surprised me more than the others: “Friend,” the name adopted by the Quakers. Given my own rejection of institutionalism after coming to faith in Christ, I found that connection unexpectedly meaningful. A thought worth exploring another time.

What did I mean when I said, I do not have friends, if I most certainly do have friends. My wife looks out for me in ways I cannot do for myself. A friend nearby reaches out to me to help him with his projects and care for his dog when he’s at work. An old colleague reached out to me recently just to see how things were going. An acquaintance of seven years asked me to propose a quote for an audio-lighting package for his new restaurant. I can even find discussions to have in social media groups with like-minded individuals.

As I thought through those definitions, one word kept coming to mind: reciprocity. A word not in any of the definitions. In a group, there is a common purpose to show up and deliver for the group, whether at work, church, or serving a non-profit charity. At work, the paycheck is the reciprocity. At church, the communal fellowship. A charity helping those less fortunate. The first, money. The other two, a sense of well-being and joy of serving others.

For affection/esteem, the reciprocity is individualized, rather than a mutual outward goal. “What have you done for me lately,” tends to be a default. Divorce is a visible representation of what that could turn into. Unfriending in social media terms. Maybe there was an alignment in the beginning and when that alignment ceased to exist, so did the friendship.

What I think I want to say is that I do not know who I can call on for help when I need it. The friendships I have cannot help me in the ways I need help. Medically, the VA has been a struggle for the last fifteen years. Occupationally as an independent contractor, the work is inconsistent as I pray for God to lead me to those that he has prepared for me to help. As a writer, I am still looking for an audience as I continue to write more.

I am a writer, creator and builder. I enjoy the preproduction preparation process that goes into any endeavor. I enjoy tracking one-step ahead with flexibility to have alternatives ready in the moment of production. I enjoy starting with little to nothing and seeing what mutual reciprocity toward a project can create, valuing the input of all its members.

What type of ‘friends’ am I talking about when I say I have no friends? If the groups mentioned in the definitions all require capital, maybe I need a bank to be my friend. Perhaps what I’ve been looking for in friendship is really partnership. I have some projects I would like to see get off the ground. Maybe I can find ‘friends’ interested in the projects I can pay with the capital? If I am assisting others with their needs, who is helping me with mine?

I do not say that to undersell the affection, encouragement, and inspiration the friends I have already give me. That is real, and I do not take it lightly. But affection and capital are not the same currency, and I have been asking one to do the work of the other.

I jumped to banks without the backstory of bartering, trading, and reciprocity. If I give of my time, talent, and treasure, and do not receive gratitude, compensation, or reciprocity, I have to reassess the relationship. I can do my part to find common ground, voicing grievances respectfully, placing myself in the other persons’ shoes, with patience and empathy. The value of the person is more than what they bring to the table. Improving through respectful confrontations with friends can strengthen the friendship or find the line where the friendship has come to an end.

I have heard it said that people will come into your life for a moment, a season, or a lifetime. Only a few will make it to a lifetime.

Some were guides who could only lead me so far before the season passed. Some, if I am honest, were distractions I mistook for direction. Others had only a moment to affect how I would make choices going forward. And some seasons ended not because they left, but because I did — still searching for a group I hadn’t found yet.

Have respect and love for those that were there for a moment and a season, the lessons learned and growth in self. Reflect on the positives and learn from the negatives with admiration. Have mercy, grace and gratitude for yourself and those you have been given time on this earth with.

I pray for forgiveness from those whom I may have let down. The path others had for me was not the one I was on. As mentioned in my media memoir, What Was Meant for Harm, I am no longer seeking but being still for Him who created me and knows what He has prepared for me to accomplish in this life.

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